Overcoming The Monster

A spectre is haunting Europe—the spectre of the European Union. This nation-wrecking monster devours all who stand in its way and will not stop until its ravenous desire for “ever closer union” is satiated. Half a dozen lesser mortals have tried in vain to fell the beast—all have failed. There is but one man who stands between the creature and the final destruction of our island nation; First Lord of the Treasury, Prime Minister David Cameron.

“Why even try?” say the cynics. Even the great Lady Thatcher was no match for the monster. What chance this errant boy? His faulting attempts at “renegotiation” are a joke; a national embarrassment that yeoman laugh about as they drink their ales. There are rumours at court that the Tory Party will be split assunder by forces opposing the Prime Minister’s meagre attempts at “reform”. Why ever did he embark upon this fools errand? Did he not know that you cannot reason with the creature? Sir Cameron is already as good as beaten and the situation will only get worse from here.

Time passes…

What is that? On the horizon. A rider comes hither. It can’t be. It is! Kaloo-kalay! Our hero has returned. Battered and bruised and never to be the same again, but, by jove, he’s done it! The mighty Cameron has wrestled with the dreaded beast—snick snack, snicker snack—using every trick in the book and inventing a few more along the way to secure for Great Britain a special new relationship with the EU. This is no mere make-weight offer. This is the kind of deal that would make Boudicca proud. We need never fear the monster again—a fantastic new deal, for this time, and for all time.

That is, at least, the story that David Cameron would like to be told.

*record skips*

Ironically, the downplaying of expectations and endless gripes and whinges about EU dysfunction are what will provide the Prime Minister with the launch platform from which to vault the (apparently) high bar of convincing the British public that remaining enmeshed within the European Union is a good idea.

Supposed opponents of our EU membership are in fact laying the groundwork for what is beginning to be referred to in knowledgeable circles as ‘The Cameron Deception’. There is no new deal on offer. There is a new EU treaty in the works, which creates something called “associate status”. But, that is nothing more than second-class membership in a two-tier EU in which Britain will be excluded from all major areas of decision-making by the eurozone core.

To combat this, however, Brexiteers will need to do more than play into people’s fear of the monster—Cameron will not deny a word of this criticism; more than likely he will attempt to outdo us. Minor gripes about immigration and cost allow Cameron to take the high-ground. The salient fact that EU structures are not suited to this country is our home turf.

The EU referendum is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to correct an historic error of judgement. The Tory Party has been trying for decades to hide and make excuses for this unprecedented mistake. The slim justifications (never valid) that once pertained for maintaining Britain’s subordinate relationship to the EU’s supranational institutions have all now fallen away. We need our full seat at the top table, so that we can influence economic globalisation in ways that will benefit this country and free traders around the world. Contrary to the idea that Britain should turn away from our European neighbours—we have many common interests and there are many areas in which we agree with those states that comprise Kerneuropa—Britain should simply move on.

It is time to tell our own story.

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